Your handy navigation bar! Smell the excitement!

A few words from Eileen

The subtle nuances of Corn Pone Flicks are often overlooked in favor of big shiny effects and sizzling one-liners. Verily the quality has done nothing but improve vastly over the years that they have strove to establish themselves in the independent film market. No longer the Dr. Who stage props filmed in someone's basement - they've expanded to incorporating various terrains into their backdrops. The jungle, Lake Michigan, Italy, and even the 70's. Though they haven't left behind their roots as they still endeavor to bring into completion their science fiction masterpiece Ozone Commandos which is sure to knock the proverbial socks off Red Dwarf any day now. Soon MTV may call requesting permission to feature Toomsuba in a Celebrity Death match episode against Kryten. (That's the android in Red Dwarf, not Crichton the author of the award winning yet much maligned Bible.)

Despite the crash following 7/11, when their video editing equipment was rendered useless by an extremist plot concocted by Gates-activists for Director Matt M.'s apparent involvement with Steve Jobs, they continue to think of new plots and effects because you can never conqueror a man's mind nor reign in his imagination. Even their actor base has expanded to include a more racially and gender diverse spectrum. Philosophy aside, they push the envelope of independent film making. Even Gordon Waters, CPF's answer to Kevin Spacey recently featured in PONG, had this to say about current developments: "Hey, man." Maybe he was talking to someone else, like Matt, a man so dedicated to his art that he has forsaken food to the point where he resembles Matsumoto's tragic (and terribly thin) protagonist Capt. Harlock.

Now that's Matt M., folks, not to be confused with Matt Buffington. Matt M. looks like Matt Frewer and Matt B. looks like...well I guess he looks like anything we want him to be. He's rather like Play-Doh that way. Some people refer to the cast in the same way one would describe a Christmas basket: as assorted hams and jellies with a few fruits and nuts on the side. Those people don't know Dick. Richard Lather, a staunch supporter and mutual endeavorist, meets Corn Pone at cons, on the boards, and sometimes even for pizza when the occasion calls. This does not make him a stalker.

Yes, I could go on for hours with praises, dissertations, and philosophical rhetoric about the works of Corn Pone Flicks and the minds behind them. Like for instance, why don't I have a line in one single damnable film? I mean I've slept with the entire cast at one point or another! Ah memories. We were all passed out on the floor of a hotel room in Dallas, Texas and CB broke the early dawn with the deep and moving question, "Is there a movie where Santa Claus kills people?" I helped spice up a party by throwing an impromptu fashion show using my own garments, a few of the ladies, and a couple unsuspecting drunks; one gentleman in particular made a bold statement wearing my dress and his black socks with those cute little mini sock suspenders you thought only butlers in movies wore. Whenever I'm in town, Matt's diet improves from cold hotdogs and ramen to frozen pizza and Chinese take out! Yet I remain wordless. Oh, I scream when I get shot (Ozone Commandos), or get hacked to pieces by a tornado (Twister II) and I show cleavage in PONG, but itís not enough. Matt has told me I can do my own script and he'll film it so I can have as many lines as I want. Yet everything I come up with is usually countered by him saying such cruel nay-says as "Oh God no!" "Uh, please don't say that," and "Why do you want a floor-to-ceiling pole in my living room?" Apparently I'm still not up in the ether-like mindset of Corn Pone Flicks. Their scatological refrains are still beyond my creative comprehension.

But enough about me. I say to you, fans of Corn Pone Flicks: LEARN MATH. Math is the Key to the Universe, according to Christopher Walken. It is also the key to getting what you want from Corn Pone Flicks. Yet again they have received tapes asking for stuff THAT WONíT FIT ON THE TAPES. There is no digital shoehorn for VHS, my little special friends. And please use common sense to fill the gaping voids between their instructions. Don't seal your blank tapes inside the return envelope. I have convinced Matt to simply mail those back with a note scribbled on the back that says "Your Point?" If this is a cheap endeavor to simply get his autograph, you are sad and I don't want you to read my article any further for fear that I will become a fantasy of yours since I'm the closest you've ever been to a girl since your mother found out you were teething.

Food donations for the "Get Matt to Weigh More than his Sneakers" fund can be sent to the same address for video tapes featured on this web site. Ellen will make sure the donations reach him, though keep it pretty simple. Matt has been found on occasion to preheat Microwaves and to lack the forethought to avoid eating SPAM. Geniuses. Whatta bunch of weirdos.

Back to the CPF News page