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Corn Pone Flicks Presents Fourth Episode of CPF Reviews
CPF takes a look at the phenomena of the film you were too young to see, and saw anyway. Relive those terrifying nights spent hiding under the covers as we examine my personal childhood trauma, Ghost Story. The Kronies are Coming! Actually, the Kronies came and went many years ago, but their activities have been a secret, until now! Read about how a conspiracy which never really even existed nevertheless managed to bring down an entire convention. Be thankful that it wasn't yours (unless it was yours, in which case, well, that's what you get when you fuck with the Kronies). Click here to read about what some people (mostly us) have called "The Greatest Fan Story Ever Told."
The Kronies are Coming!
Actually, the Kronies came and went many years ago, but their activities have been a secret, until now! Read about how a conspiracy which never really even existed nevertheless managed to bring down an entire convention. Be thankful that it wasn't yours (unless it was yours, in which case, well, that's what you get when you fuck with the Kronies). Click here to read about what some people (mostly us) have called "The Greatest Fan Story Ever Told."
"Social" "Justice" "Activists" Launch New Campaign to End Prejudice
"Fuck the intolerant."
Bigoted, prejudiced disparagings of the less-advantaged will soon be thing of the past, according to online activists who have harnessed the power of placing a pound sign (#) in front of a phrase and then repeating it to end all social ills. Cleo, a twenty-one year-old gender studies major proudly wearing a T-shirt with bright, day-glo lettering across the bustline demanding you look elsewhere, sat down with this publication to outline her group's plan to bring about true equality. "Well, first of all," she began as if explaining litter box use to a cat, "we don't like to use the term 'activist' anymore, as it implicitly demonizes the lazy. People love to cloak themselves in this 'First Amendment' thing, and don't realize that words matter." She went on to elucidate how her special brand of online non-activism 'aimed to shame' anyone using language that would demean the dignity of women, people of color-which is nothing at all like 'colored people,' she assured me-gays, lesbians, transvestites, the transgendered, hermaphrodites, the vertically challenged, the unattractive, amputees, cyborgs, crazy people, the frighteningly stupid, those conviced against all reason that they are, in fact, a goat, and anyone else having to endure what the priviliged arrogantly call 'any kind of criticism.'
Area Man Convinced by FBI Warning Not to Pirate Movie
"Apparently, it's wrong."
Twenty-five year-old Dopi McFucsmokerr of Some Meth Lab, Mississippi had a recent epiphany when encountering, seemingly for the first time, the anti-piracy warning forced onto the front of a DVD he'd borrowed from the unlocked trailer of a neighbor who was away on holiday. "The message offered me the opportunity to stop watching the disc and instead go and look up a website where I could be lectured on how I'm a bad person, so I figured, what the heck. Now, I feel seriously rebuked. I'd been all set to copy that movie, but this "copyright law" thing is apparently in place to protect the rights of creators and distributors from lowlifes like me, and it was like an awakening." Slightly stunned FBI representatives championed this admission as a vindication for the sum total of approximately two and a half billion hours their unskippable warnings have thus far wasted out of the lives of average movie viewers across the nation. "From a purely statistical standpoint, it simply had to work eventually, for somebody someday," senior Easily Ignored Propaganda Director Ira Scribivers crowed at the announcement. "Perhaps we should add a synthesized J. Edgar Hoover voice reading the warning out loud for all of those miscreants who stick in the disc and then wander off to grab a snack or use the toilet before the menu appears. With that in place, we're almost guaranteed to have another positive influence such as this before the sun burns out."
Leper Jim Wonders Why He's Still on This Page
Leper Jim Remarks "I'm totally irrelevant!"
Failed cultural icon Leper Jim is flabbergasted at his continued appearance on the CPF website's news page, as he has featured in no actual CPF news since 1997. "The last time anyone mentioned my name, people still thought Y2K was a real issue. Move on, people."
Here's a quick guide to what the site is all about:
First, this News page here will contain important information regarding the site, and the very latest from the CPF crew themselves. Commonly read (we hope) editorials, instruction pages, special reports, and links to other sites are referenced in the far left sidebar.
The Filmography page contains a listing of all of Corn Pone Flicks' projects in a list form. Clicking on a title from the list pops up a window with exquisite detail about each work, some of which is even true. The Filmography page also includes a link to up-to-date information regarding upcoming CPF projects.
The About CPF page contains biographical and other information about the cast of characters that makes up the gestalt of zaniness known as Corn Pone Flicks.
The Contact page is VERY VERY important. Okay, it used to be. Now it's just basically there for anyone who wants to get in touch for whatever reason, since most of our films are available online. If you do want physical copies for some reason, though, this is the place to go.
The CPF Reviews page contains all the info you need on what films you ought to like or dislike in order to be at all cool.
The Captain Harlock Archives is our newest section, providing all the info you ever wanted to know about Captain Harlock and related series, buttressed between mounds of trivia you never cared about knowing. If you read something elsewhere that seems to contradict what you read in here, it's only because the other source is wrong.
The CPF Mailing List is a place to go to if you want to blather about our crap (or at least listen to us do so) and/or ask questions and such. Someday, one of the fifty-odd current members who aren't actually in CPF might actually ask some, so be there when it happens!!
The CPF F.A.Q. contains additional info the curious reader might wish to peruse regarding what we do and why. So don't say we never talk to you.