What's on this site: The Ozone Commandos, the Comic Book What the FAQ is Corn Pone Flicks? Get a clue! A note from Matt regarding
CPF's fansubs How to get on our bad side...a history of obnoxious rulebreakers This whole live-action vs. anime film thing Do You Think You'd Like to Have a Blockbuster Up Your Ass? Other Links/Fave Places Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal Scientology, World's Stupidest Religion |
The
CPF Times The Ozone Commandos want YOU...
...to read about their exciting and misanthropic adventures! Yes, the original comic book that the long-belated movie was to be based upon is now available for consumption right here on cornponeflicks.org, because it's so much easier than printing and binding copies to mail out, and also because it's a bone to throw to the two or so people out there who were still hoping to see the film version. Three issues are up for thrill-a-minute reading right here. Official Announcement As of 2/10/06, Corn Pone Flicks will no longer be distributing subtitled Matsumoto anime. It's off the roster and will not be returning. It was always at the bottom of the list for transfer to DVD to begin with, but endless requests for items we have designated "not available" have brought my patience to the breaking point. If you've come here to find subbed anime, just keep right on surfing. This website is only for the works of CPF. Corn Pone Shorts vol. 1 DVD in the works for Spring 2006 Sure, I've only been working on this project off and on for a year and a half, but it's only because I insist on overdoing everything around here. The first disc will contain all short films from 1989 through mid 1997, outtakes, commentaries, and all the usual sorts of perks we've come to expect from DVDs people actually give a shit about. Star Dipwads: Arrivederci Human Race and A Star Dipwads Christmas now available on DVD After several misfires and random catastrophes, these two early CPF films are now available on one disc, including director's commentary, deleted crap, and a few other bonuses. Featuring completely over-designed menus! (For future reference, if a title isn't designated "available on DVD," it's not available at all. This is very simple, so don't pretend that it isn't.) UFO Robo Grandizer vs Great Mazinger and New as of 1/3/05-More downloads available for CPF shorts! Nearly all of the CPF Shorts library is now available for download in high and lower quality versions. New, high-quality versions of shorts previously offered are available, including PONG, Flexible Metal Hose Co. vs The Universe, and new films such as The Jar of Screaming Blood and Signs of a Gullible-Ass Public are also just a click and an annoying wait away! Plus, all shorts originally cut on tape have been digitally remastered from the original source footage, eliminating that delightfully nostalgic multi-generational look. For a full listing of all versions and titles, see the Shorts section of the filmography.
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Mold in Low-Rent Project Blamed for Aging of Young GirlFungoid intruder believed to have magical properties.Forty-two year-old Prudence Beanfarmer was distraught to discover a stinky black growth spreading across the walls of her young daughter's bedroom after a particularly rainy spell. More upsetting, however, was the unforseen health issues that soon became apparent. "Before the mold appeared, I had a nice, healthy four-year-old girl," laments the obviously undereducated Beanfarmer. "But since it started growing on her walls, my four-year-old girl...has become a five-year-old girl. I'm at a loss to understand it." The team of experts assembled by the complex's landlord have been quick to dismiss the transformation as "part of the natural order of things," but Mrs. Beanfarmer is less than ready to accept the popular party line. "Frankly, it's a disgusting attempt to avoid responsibility," she says in grammar we have cleaned up here for purposes of clarity, "and someone is getting sued unless I have my four-year-old back in my arms before the week is out." When asked what she believes to be the cause of the troublesome mold, she adamantly blames stem cell research. While acknowledging that she knows rather little about the subject, she nonetheless maintains that it "looks shifty," and cites its supposed power to have brought the recently deceased ex-president Ronald Reagan back to life as proof of its power to manipulate human age. Mrs. Beanfarmer currently resides in the disinfectant aisle of the local Kroger, awaiting a return call from her attorney. Government develops LIBERTY bomb to spread freedom throughout world."Brilliant!" says government.After many grueling years of living in a increasingly tense world climate, the U.S. government unveiled its latest plan to reduce the threat of terror across the globe. Starting soon, the USAF will begin carpet bombing the Middle East with the new LIBERTY bomb, a device described as a harmless explosive designed to disperse the fruits of freedom upon an unwary population. In an exclusive interview, Donald Rumsfeld promised that "We've heard the cries of the oppressed and the impoverished, and soon the masses of Mideasterners will hear the bells of LIBERTY ringing in their ears." While many closet communists throughout America have decried the plan as another blatant deception perpetuated by the administration, early reports from the White House have assured the press that the bell-shaped bombs carry only a payload of energized water. New Age guru and professional lunatic Deepak Chopra has presided over the imbuing of the water with "good vibes" and "positive spirits" that will take hold of those within the blast radius and replace their unfocused hatred with a boundless love of freedom. "If Osama bin Laden had his way, we'd all be living in tiny opaque boxes serviced by robots, in order to minimize our freedoms, which he hates," Chopra claims whilst counting a wad of money that could choke a beluga whale. "We mean to change all that." The water will be dispersed over an area of ten square miles upon detonation via an accelerant of what is described as "a small nukyuler charge, a safe and effective means of spreading the water payload which is in no way related to nuclear ordnance." The bomb's chief architect, professor Halle Burton, assures us that "while the acronym 'Letting Infidels and Barbarians Enjoy Rights That You'dlike' may be lame, it's merely a regrettable fault of our acronym-creating program ACRONYM (Arbitrarily Changing Random Ordinary Nouns Yinto Messages), and doesn't reflect upon the quality of our product. Our methodology is sound." |
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Corn Pone Flicks begins the mass migration to DVD!Leper Jim Remarks "Huh?"
After fifteen long years of utilizing the crappiest format known to man (VHS for all you young'ns), CPF is now in the process of converting our catalogue to DVD format. We will begin offering our titles one by one until the glorious day when we can retire the VCRs for good. Here's a quick guide to what the site is all about: First, this News page here will contain important information regarding the site, and the very latest from the CPF crew themselves. Commonly read (we hope) editorials, instruction pages, special reports, and links to other sites are referenced in the far left sidebar. The Filmography page contains a listing of all of Corn Pone Flicks' projects in a list form. Clicking on a title from the list pops up a window with exquisite detail about each work, some of which is even true. The Filmography page also includes a link to up-to-date information regarding upcoming CPF projects. The About CPF page contains biographical and other information about the cast of characters that makes up the gestalt of zaniness known as Corn Pone Flicks. The Contact page is VERY VERY important. It includes ALL THE DETAILS about how one should contact Corn Pone Flicks and request copies of their films. Please, please read this section carefully! The CPF elder gods are extremely busy and following these guidelines helps immensely when it comes to the time it takes to get tapes done. If you're a dumbass, please get someone who's not to handle the contact arrangements. The CPF Reviews page contains all the info you need on what films you ought to like or dislike in order to be at all cool. A new section, which will likely grow as we keep yapping. The Captain Harlock Archives is our newest section, providing all the info you ever wanted to know about Captain Harlock and related series, buttressed between mounds of trivia you never cared about knowing. If you read something elsewhere that seems to contradict what you read in here, it's only because the other source is wrong. The CPF Mailing List is a place to go to if you want to blather about our crap (or at least listen to us do so) and/or ask questions and such. Someday, one of the fifty-odd current members who aren't actually in CPF might actually ask some, so be there when it happens!! The CPF F.A.Q. contains additional info the curious reader might wish to peruse regarding what we do and why. So don't say we never talk to you.
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(AP Newswire)